Saturday, April 18, 2009

why why why

If I am afraid of hurting people's feelings, is that because I love them and don't want them to suffer, or because I am cowardly and don't want them to be angry at me?

If I don't want them to be angry at me, why do I care? Because I care about who they are and what they think of me because I value their judgments? or because I try to define myself as a nice person so I can't take the idea of someone thinking I'm mean?

But I'm being to hard on myself. I do hurt people's feelings, when I know it's the right thing. I don't think of myself as an especially nice or kind person--I reach out and try to be welcoming not because it's natural or who I am, but because I believe it's important to treat people as valuable. It's something I have to work at, so it doesn't surprise me that I can't always succeed. Regardless of whether I seem "nice," my motive for niceness and my (professed) motive for keeping boundaries and thus causing pain are the same: doing the right thing.

I second-guess myself so much. I always want to be independent, but in the time of decision, I want someone else to tell me what to do, tell me it's okay to do the thing I really want. Justify me, is the cry of my heart. I seek security in all the wrong places. But I'll say of the Lord: You are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, a very present help in time of need. Be Thou my vision.

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