Monday, March 31, 2008


I always thought of myself as a reasonably decisive person, capable of making a decision and sticking to it--specifically, capable of making a rational decision, the right decision. I thought I had willpower, discipline, determination.

Well. I do have some discipline. For instance, I'm writing this entry now when I don't really feel like it (kidding! sorta.), because I promised myself to update this regularly and because I think it's good for me to write / share. It forces me to sort out my thoughts in a way that writing in a journal no one will ever read (I hope) does not.

A better example would probably be making a phone call to a person I really do not feel like facing, or getting homework done ahead of time, or fasting.

But in any case, the point of this slightly rambling post is that I have recently had to face the fact that I am not the conclusive and decisive person I'd like to be. I have been making resolution after resolution, judgment after judgment, that I have ended up reversing. Sometimes a valid reason (new perspective, good advice) motivates the change, and while backing down then takes courage and humility, because the stubborn proud thing to do is to obsessively stick with my old decision, I am glad I did change afterward, because I know it was right. Other times, though, I flip-flop because of the emotion of the moment, or out of fear of hurting someone else, or some other reason that is anything but robust. I hate to admit to this, because it makes me feel weak, indecisive, wishy-washy. It doesn't fit with who I think I want to be.

But I think what it goes to show is that we don't really know ourselves. It's important to continually adjust your own self-concept, to be aware of the fact that you have blind spots so that you can correct them if possible, to keep learning and growing. I don't really like this discovery of mine, but it's something to keep in mind and examine so I can figure out how to deal with it (as the flaw of indecisiveness, or as the positive trait of flexibility and open-mindedness?). Hooray for learning. :P

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