Indecisive

I always thought of myself as a reasonably decisive person, capable of making a decision and sticking to it--specifically, capable of making a rational decision, the right decision. I thought I had willpower, discipline, determination.

Well. I do have some discipline. For instance, I'm writing this entry now when I don't really feel like it (kidding! sorta.), because I promised myself to update this regularly and because I think it's good for me to write / share. It forces me to sort out my thoughts in a way that writing in a journal no one will ever read (I hope) does not.

A better example would probably be making a phone call to a person I really do not feel like facing, or getting homework done ahead of time, or fasting.

But in any case, the point of this slightly rambling post is that I have recently had to face the fact that I am not the conclusive and decisive person I'd like to be. I have been making resolution after resolution, judgment after judgment, that I have ended up reversing. Sometimes a valid reason (new perspective, good advice) motivates the change, and while backing down then takes courage and humility, because the stubborn proud thing to do is to obsessively stick with my old decision, I am glad I did change afterward, because I know it was right. Other times, though, I flip-flop because of the emotion of the moment, or out of fear of hurting someone else, or some other reason that is anything but robust. I hate to admit to this, because it makes me feel weak, indecisive, wishy-washy. It doesn't fit with who I think I want to be.

But I think what it goes to show is that we don't really know ourselves. It's important to continually adjust your own self-concept, to be aware of the fact that you have blind spots so that you can correct them if possible, to keep learning and growing. I don't really like this discovery of mine, but it's something to keep in mind and examine so I can figure out how to deal with it (as the flaw of indecisiveness, or as the positive trait of flexibility and open-mindedness?). Hooray for learning. :P

Identity

A friend sent me this poem in response to the one I posted a while back. Sassoon's concept of the relationship between identity and solitude is in direct opposition to mine, oddly enough--or at least, to what I was thinking as I had breakfast this morning (alone, but happily, I might mention). I was thinking, in fact, that I am most myself when I am alone. Along these lines:

"I know who I am when I am all alone
I'm still that same man when everyone comes home
Could I bleed a little, hurt a little, cry a little more?
I know that's not what you came here for. . ."
--Matt Nightingale

I was also trying to remember an exchange in one of Madeleine L'Engle's books, in which (if I remember correctly) young Vicky's wise grandfather asks her when she is "most herself." I can't quite place the context, but I think they're discussing this poem (which L'Engle apparently misattributes?!): in particular, "If thou couldst empty thyself of self" and "But thou art all replete with very thou." What do these lines mean? is what L'Engle's characters discuss. Vicky says she is most herself, but also most emptied of self, when she is concentrating on a poem (I think), and most filled with self but least herself when she is caught up in anger/ jealousy/ bitterness/ self-indulgence. I think that is true for me, too. I feel myself when I am alone reading, or praying, or walking in the woods, or eating an orange; I feel alienated from myself when I am anxious about a paper or a person, when outside expectations confuse me and I don't know what I want.

...I think the effect of solitude on a person's closeness to being him-/her- self ends up being largely a function of what sort of self that person has, i.e., his/her personality. Sassoon feels far from himself when alone, it seems; but I (and Nightingale) feel most sure of who I am when I am alone, with no one else to push me this way or that and tell me what I am supposed to do or who I am supposed to be.

"I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been
tryna be lately. All I have to do is think of me
and I have peace of mind. I'm tired of lookin' round
wonderin' about what I gotta do, or who I'm supposed to be:
I don't wanna be anything other than me."
--Gavin DeGraw, "I Don't Wanna Be"

The trick is to find the person who makes you more yourself, and not less.

Disclaimer: I did not specifically look up those lyrics. They may not be quite right.

Legacy of High School

...is that fire alarms, while inconvenient, never strike me as surprising. We have had them three days in a row in my building here, and the effect is not to make me think, "How odd!" but rather "Wow, this is just like high school." Grrrreat.

Obviously that is not the only impact high school had on me. I learned lots. Honestly! But when everything I learned in AP Bio about the muscle groups in a cat has completely deserted me, I am confident that I will still remember the constant fire alarms. How true it was that if there ever had been a fire we all would have burned in our classrooms.