Tuesday, April 10, 2012


What is my calling right now?

Watching this video a minute ago, I was struck by the first artist's comment that every minute I invest in Plan B is a minute taken away from Plan A. Generally speaking, I often fall succumb to the temptation to work on Plan B, "just in case." It often feels like a responsible and productive thing to do. But the artist Propaganda (I think that's his name?) is totally right: working on Plan B when God is calling me to Plan A right now is not productive and responsible. It's just disobedient and silly.

The question is, What are my Plan A and Plan B right now? What is my calling?

I think Plan A right now is: Be married. Be a wife. Love my husband, and love him well.

Plan A usually doesn't feel productive. What do I do all day? Oh, I keep the house, I cook and clean and buy groceries and do laundry, and I take care of the rabbit. I read some interesting things. But the important thing that I do while O. is at work, is processing my thoughts and emotions. I need to journal, write poems, pray. Cry. Forgive. Repent. This is fruitful and productive and responsible, this is my calling right now. But by the world's standards, it isn't much of an occupation. So I flirt with Plan B.

Plan B is prepare for graduate school. Research. Figure out what to add to my resumé. Plan B is anything that would look useful by the world's standards.

(Of course, there's also Plan C, which is: do whatever feels good right now. Watch TV. Read sci-fi. Eat cookies. This is largely useless, although not always bad. There is a place for play and for rest. It's just that those aren't my calling.)
If I traded it all,
if I gave it all away for one thing,
just for one thing--
if I sorted it out,
if I knew all about this one thing,
wouldn't that be something?
                   (Finger Eleven, "One Thing")
 I want to live in "the perfect freedom of a single necessity" (Anne Dillard). I want to be totally devoted to one God, one Master. I want to follow just one voice, listen to just one calling.

O God, give me an undivided heart.


J-Hizzle said...

I don't think you need to separate your life into Plan A and Plan B (C, D, E, etc.). Your life is Plan A. You have always defined your goals for your life well even if you've been a bit fuzzy on the details. Don't think of your goals down the road as Plan B. Think of them as the next great adventure in Plan A.

All my love,

jfille said...

That's true. Really, life only degenerates into Plan A, B, C,... when I let myself get caught up in anxiety, which is the result of second-guessing myself/God. Alternately, maybe I should have phrased things like this: Plan A is "Live in the present" and Plan B is "Worry about the future."