Pusillanimity

"You know what I figured out today? Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself."--Jamie (Mandy Moore) in "A Walk to Remember"

I really do have a hard time imagining the possible, and even knowing what I really want, because I am afraid to hope for something that might not come true. I would rather not hope at all than risk being disappointed--which is a major problem. But I do have expectations, even if I don't have wild, beautiful dreams. I have plans, and modest hopes, and ideas about what seems achievable, and I cling to them. They are all I have, after all!

"If you do not feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great." --John Piper, A_Hunger_for_God

But maybe I actually have far more available to me. Maybe God can take better care of me than I can take care of myself. Maybe my vision is limited and overly cynical. Maybe I am too hesitant. (On Sunday, my pastor asked us: "When was the last time you failed because you took a risk, out of faith?" Peter sank when he walked on water, but he had the faith to be in the position to fail.) Just because I don't see a better possibility doesn't mean there isn't one. Just because it's not what I expected doesn't mean it's not good. Maybe I set my standards too low. Maybe my eyes are closed to what could be.

"To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or even imagine, according to his power that is at work in us, to Him be glory in the Church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever."--Paul of Tarsus (Eph. 3:20-21)

Maybe the world is bigger and more beautiful than I imagine. Maybe the fates are kinder than I think they are. Maybe I'm lucky. Or maybe God really is in charge of everything, like I say I believe, and maybe He really does love me, like I try so hard to know.